Working at home and parenthood: how to combine!
A duoblog with Sander Kooijman, child coach
"I am done working from home and so is my partner!"
It is now generally known that it is an extra challenge to keep it fun at home at the moment. But how do you do that as a parent: educate and at the same time keep all the balls high to do a good job? Sander Kooijman offers help in the education of children aged 4-12 and, in addition to the training courses he provides, can coach parents and child in 1 on 1 sessions. I asked Sander for tips for you as a parent. He shares them with you later in this blog!
But what if the stretch is gone? You have run out of patience, your bucket is full and is about to overflow? You first have to talk yourself and then the children out of bed, make sure that they leave the house with something from breakfast and without too much struggle, so that you can start your laptop on time for the Teams meeting? Because it is well known that your children can get the blood from under your nails every now and then. Your fuse is getting shorter and shorter and you notice that it becomes more difficult to keep focus on your work, while the home situation also absorbs your energy.
Nice advice, recharge yourself, but my family household goes on as well..
In an earlier blog you already received practical tips on how to recharge yourself. But how do you do that if the circus continues to run at home and your partner is also sighing behind his or her laptop? The family is a system: if one family member is not comfortable with himself, the whole family will be bothered by it. You don't have to work alone with your children, Sander gives you tips!
What do your charging times look like?
Everyone charges differently: one wants to rest, the other wants to be able to catch up with friends or girlfriends (online), or have their own sports moment outside or in the gym. For example, withdrawing and playing guitar is also a nice one. Reading that one book you've been staring unread from your bookcase for ages. Now watch that Netflix movie in one sitting, a walk with friends, partner or on your own (most entertainment now has a coffee-to-go). Starting a fun (online) course or asking yourself whether that one job is still so much fun or just demands energy from you ...
A first step is to gain insight into those balls that you have to hold up, even if you may still feel too tired to think about it at all. It's going to give you energy!
Assignment: which balls do you keep in the air? (duration: 10 minutes)
The purpose of this assignment is to see what you actually have on your plate. Grab a piece of paper, a pen, and a timer. Set the timer for ten minutes. Now write down everything you have on your plate for work, your family and yourself, write down what comes to your mind. Then review what you wrote down. Make a ranking and put the most important thing at the top. You have now gained insight into the balls you have in the air.
Which hat are you actually wearing?
What roles do you have? Are you available at home as a parent? Are you working? Do you have some time for yourself? Do you do something fun with your partner or with friends. “Everything is mixed up”. Many people recognize this feeling. Most parents do not take their child to work. There is an important reason for this, because it just doesn't work. Now that we work at home it is complicated for us and for the children. Are mom and dad available or not? How can your child notice that you are available or not?
Children occasionally require attention. That is normal. Children come up with questions and if they don't get enough, they know that they can still focus the attention with negative attention. The parent, who is then engaged in a concentration task, becomes irritated and reacts curtly. Then you have an angry and sad child who may also feel alone and misunderstood. Eventually your child gets the attention and you are completely out of concentration. You end up with two losers. There is a solution here ...
Provide clarity and make a choice!
What helps here is to give children clarity and that is that you only wear one hat at a time and that the children know which hat that is. If you are in the parent role, then you are primarily there for the children. You cannot therefore plan a concentration task during the time the children are there. That means putting the laptop and telephone away and being available.
There are handy apps such as Todoist, with which you can plan tasks. Schedule your concentration tasks when this is ok. If you want to work concentrated, arrange something from the babysitter. You would normally do that in the old situation. Then you may recognize the situation that the children enjoy the TV for a while. and you think about the laptop for a moment. That is fine of course. Please note that you are wearing the parent hat. Make it clear to children whether you are available or not. How do the children know if they can ask you a question or if they should not disturb?
Assignment: Make a weekly schedule for yourself (duration: once 30 minutes to 1 hour)
Make yourself a weekly schedule with the aim of dividing your available time between family, work and time for yourself (the different hats you can put on). Give each category a color and then create time blocks with a color. Put those blocks in your planning app or calendar. Now you have an understanding of what time is available for each hat: for work, for family, and for yourself. This is what it is. If the work does not fit into the available time, it means that you have to arrange something. It is then useful to coordinate with your partner.
With what percentage of attention do you do your work?
- You may recognize this, you are starting a concentration task that requires 100% of your attention.
- Then social media messages pop up and you lose 10 percent.
- The Appie rings the doorbell to deliver the groceries and you again lose 10% of your attention.
- Your child asks something and 20% of your time goes to the children
- 10% of your time goes to your partner who "just wants to discuss something very briefly".
- You already understand, only 50% of your attention remains for your work. Working this way is not only very inefficient, it creates stress, tension, hassle with the children and you get a full head of it. Apply the rule of thumb one hat at a time. Do one task with full attention. This not only ensures efficiency, but also gives you more peace of mind.
Work together as a "colleague parent"!
Parents regularly work together at home. During peak times, such as in the morning, afternoon, or evening when both parents have work and the whole family is there, this can be complicated. That requires coordination. It can give you peace of mind once a week for a moment, even if it is only fifteen minutes, to coordinate with your partner. Take the agenda or the task planner and see where the bottlenecks lie.
The tips summarized:
- Agree on who is the educator at what time of the working day and therefore the point of contact for the children. At that time, this parent determines the rules for the children and takes care of the questions.
- Put your hat on and tell the children who they can go to, that gives them peace of mind.
- Stick to your schedule and do not start with a concentration task when there are children walking around who demand your attention.
- Schedule time to recharge. Choose a charging time
- Identify which balls you have to hold up, and let your partner do the same
- Then find a solution so that both parents can work their hours. Think of parents of friends, family, after-school care, etc.
- Arrange babysitting where necessary. Children can sometimes also take good care of themselves. Especially when they are a bit older. The oldest will be proud to be able to watch. Give the children enough attention before the babysitting time and afterwards.
Finally, one last tip: hang on!
New habits take time to set in. Stick with it and plan together weekly, even if for just 15 minutes. Use Plan, Do, check, Act. You may find out along the way that agreements need to be adjusted: nothing is as beautiful as progressive insight!
Would you like to read more about Sander Kooijman and Youth and children's practice Rota https://jeugdenkinderpraktijkrota.nl/.
Jet & Sander
